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Case of the Missing Small

Previously published on the former Ignore the Mess on 5/3/13 and the former Loquacious Labyrinth in 2002

 

Small: Not large as compared with others of the same kind.

Medium: Something that occupies a position or represents a condition midway between extremes.

Raise the alarm! There is something missing from our noshing experience! There is no longer a SMALL!

Sometimes I am too exhausted to cook so I splurge. The other day I called a certain pizza chain. (I won’t name names, but it is the same as a game they play frequently at old folks homes.) I just wanted to order a small cheese pizza! I was brusquely informed that they no longer have small pizza’s, they just have mediums. What was this?

I tried to explain, “I just want the smallest pizza you have.”

Again I was rebuffed with the puzzling, “We don’t have smalls, we have mediums.” I decided to try another tactic.

“What is bigger than the medium?”

“The large.”

“Ok, then what is smaller than the medium?” I asked, trying to lead this poor troglodyte down the path to giving me what I wanted.

“Nothing.”

Ok, “So, your medium is your small?”

“We don’t have smalls, we have mediums.”

“But, if you don’t have smalls, then your medium is not in the middle of anything, so it can’t be “medium”. So, that is your smallest pizza right?”

“We don’t have smalls, we have mediums.”

ARRGH!!!!!!!! I felt myself growing determined to educate this cretin on one of the most basic of math terms. “Medium means middle. If there is nothing smaller, then it cannot be medium?”

“We don’t have smalls, we have mediums.” The, now all too familiar, phrase reverberated through the phone. Either I was dealing with a true simpleton, or this young punk’s stubborn drive was enough to make him a worthy adversary.

I refused to drop the subject, once convinced that I am right, I have more inertia than a black hole, which is what my stomach was starting to feel like. “Ok, you offer two sizes of pizza, right? One is bigger than the other. That makes the little one the smallest pizza you have.”

“We don’t have”

“ACK!!! DON’T SAY IT AGAIN! I JUST WANT A SMALL CHEESE PIZZA! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU CALL IT!!! JUST GIVE ME A SMALL PIZZA!”

*Click*

He hung up on me. Realizing that even if I did call him back and convince him to part with the small cheese pizza he so determinedly resisted on providing, it would take 40 minutes, I decided to just hop in my car and grab a fast food burger. I went to the nearest drive through and ordered a combo.

“What size combo would you like today?”

“Just the small one.”

“We don’t have smalls; we just have mediums.”

 

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